Can he tell?

There he is, as handsome as ever, looking as if nothing special had happened. Or did I dream it all? Was there never a moment of complete understanding between us? I close my eyes briefly, collect my scattered thoughts and fragmented memories, and there, clear as day, I see it all again.

I was watching the ocean, letting the breeze cool my cheeks and play with my hair. I had run away from my own birthday party. Mother would never forgive me if she knew I escaped my duties, but the tediousness wore me down and I ran before I would be rude to anyone. Footsteps coming closer, I knew it was him, he didn’t startle me when he suddenly stood there next to me.

We stood there overlooking the ocean, with one glance he knew how I felt. No words were said and I relaxed into our mutual silence. "Your mother will soon come looking for you, you know." He turned to look at me, still leaning on the banister. Ridiculously handsome in his white suit. I suppressed the need to run my fingers through his hair.

With a sigh I stood up straight and cast a glance in the general direction of the party. "I know, I was hoping she'd forget it was my birthday and do it all herself. That way it'll be perfect... absolutely perfect." I mimicked her tone of voice and was rewarded with a slight smile.

"Who needs perfection when they have you?" I knew he only jested, but the butterflies in my stomach fool me every time into thinking he really does care for me. More than you care for someone you’ve met at various parties for as long as she can remember. So I smiled, shrugged my shoulders and watched the ocean again.

He took a step closer, rested his hand on mine, so unexpectedly that I was lost for words. Intently he gazed into my eyes, long and hard his stormy grey eyes spellbound me, before he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and whispered. "Perfection."

A few heartbeats after he left I walked back in a trance-like state to join the others. Mother was on me like a hawk, but her words made no sense. I just smiled and patted her hand before wandering through the groups of people in the garden.

Now night has fallen, the moon is rising and the stars are twinkling above us. There he stands and here I am, utterly lost and confused. Mother has kept a close eye on me during the last hours of the party, but now she’s by the fountain, speaking with General Bruckheim and I can relax a little. I’ve had this glass of lemonade in my hand for so long it’s lukewarm. I haven’t been able to eat nor drink, the butterflies fill my stomach and I feel slightly nauseous. Please, I don’t want to be sick all over someone.

Guests are coming up to me to thank me for a wonderful party, and I thank them for coming, for bringing such lovely gifts. I expect him to be among the earliest to leave. He never stays for long, but he’s still here, speaking with my brother Theodor and not showing any sign of leaving at all. He laughs at something my brother says and I so desperately want to know what they’re talking about.

“Clara.” Mother is suddenly there and her tone of voice says it all. I have neglected my guests, even if it was just for a fraction of a second. I put on my sweetest smile and go through the motions. Mother stays by my side, just in case. Then there are no more guests to say goodbye to and I realise he never came by. Had I let myself fall in love with him I would have been heartbroken. Good thing I don’t love him.

The servants are clearing the tables, glass clinking and plates rattling. I long to take the pins out of my hair and remove my new shoes, but I know mother will be most displeased with me if I let my hair down and run barefoot through the house. “We’re not savages! We’re Thornetons, and we have a reputation to live up to!” I’ve heard this for as long as I remember and for once I would just like to not care.

Mother’s speaking to me, something about the party and I nod and smile at the right places, not listening to what she says. “... and then we have Felix Cosgrove staying for the weekend. Theodor said something about going sailing, but I’m not sure the weather will allow them tomorrow. The General mentioned rain and you know how right he usually is about the weather...” My heart stops, sinks to my feet and flies back up to my chest again.

“I didn’t know Theo was such friends with Felix Cosgrove.” I hope my voice isn’t giving me away. Mother just waves her hand, as if to say who knows who Theodor’s friends with. Before giving me any other explanation she sees our housekeeper Mrs. Harkin carry a broken pitcher and hurries after her to find out what’s happened.

The cool night and the dew covered lawn make me shiver as I watch the last of the servants disappear into the house. I run my hands up and down my arms but the warmly lit house draws me in and I slowly walk through the open French doors, through the rooms and up the stairs. The golden clock on the mantelpiece chimes twice, I have been 18 for two hours and a day.

A maid has untucked my bed and I turn the chandelier off, letting the small lamp on my vanity table be the only light in the room. My feet remind me to take my shoes off and I kick them across the room where they land with a thud against the wardrobe. Having too many pins in my hair hurts my head. I start pulling them out, letting each one fall with a ‘plink’ into a small glass bowl. Soon my hair tumbles down, all curly from being restrained by the pins Mother thought I should use today. A small sigh slips through my lips at having it back to its natural state.

I have always been told to brush my hair 100 times and usually I sit in front of my mirror, letting myself relax from the simple task. The silver plated brush Mother gave me for my 14th birthday lies where I threw it this morning, one finger traces the engraving in the handle before I let it lie. Tonight I feel restless and it has nothing to do with Felix Cosgrove sleeping a few rooms down the hall. Nothing at all.

The full moon spreads a puddle of light on my polished wooden floors and I wonder what the garden looks like in the moonlight, if the ocean reflects moonlight differently from sunlight. Someone’s laughing, the sound is drifting through my open balcony doors. Running my fingers through my hair, trying to sort out the mess, I take a peek from behind the curtains. The laughter must have come from my brother’s room, I can see shadows moving on the balcony outside his quarters. The cold stone runs the whole length of the house, wrapping the upper level in marble.

I don’t know how many late summer evenings Theo and I have sat on the balcony, talking or not talking about the father we can’t remember. All we have is the old picture in the study, a somber looking man in a three piece suit, taken just months before he suddenly died. Theodor was four and I was only two, neither of us have any memory of him. It’s always been Mother and us in this big house.

Theo’s doors fling open and he more or less falls out onto the balcony, almost goes over the railing. Although I’m hidden by my room lying in darkness and standing behind the curtains, I take a step back not to be seen. He rights himself and takes what he calls “a deep and invigorating breath”. Something he only does when very drunk.

"Ah, this is the life, eh Felix!" He plants himself looking out over the garden, holding himself upright by clinging on to the railing. "Warm summer nights, brandy and beautiful women... although we're a bit short when it comes to the women." He snorts drunkenly and gazes up at the moon. "Oh glorious pale faced moon, send us angels to dance with... and, and... more brandy!"

I can't take it anymore, he'll try something utterly stupid in a moment, like climbing to the roof. When opening my balcony doors wide, they make a slight creaking sound and it has Theo turning his head in my direction. "You're incredibly dunk Theo. Go to bed before you do something you'll regret in the morning." I find Felix Cosgrove standing in the doorway to my brother's room, an amused smile on his face. "And you shouldn't encourage him, if he breaks his neck you've overstayed your welcome!"

Felix raises his hands and shakes his head. “I’m not the one who poured brandy down your brother’s throat, he managed that all by himself.”

“Clara!” Theo does a drunken happy dance and has to take several flailing steps backwards not to fall. “Clara! Come join us, we’re just getting started.” He stumbles again and I hurry to catch him before he falls and hits his head on the railing. “Woha... I’m dizzy.”

“Well, isn’t that strange... you’ve such a head for alcohol.” When I direct him towards his bedroom he meekly steps inside and lets me place him on his bed. “Feet up, shoes off." A quick glance reveals Felix standing a few paces behind. "And you, could you bring that ugly looking urn here. For him to be sick in.” My skin feels clammy despite the cool night and hopefully there’s nothing in my face that reveals how affected I am by his presence. With a muted thud the urn is placed on the small rug next to the bed and I have to remind myself not look up at him. No need to see his face this close.

Theo moans pathetically and buries his face in a pillow. I roll my eyes, click off the bedside lamp and turn to leave, bumping into Felix’s chest as he is standing a lot closer than I expected. We both offer excuses. I have to hang on to his arms to not fall backwards. My hand on his skin, he’s rolled his sleeve up and the electricity coursing through my body feels too good. Too much like attraction. Thankful that Theo’s room lies mostly in darkness I let go of him and step away, before my burning face sets the air on fire.

As I step out onto the balcony Theo snores loudly and I shake my head at my brother’s inability to hold his drink. Felix’s chuckles follow behind me as I let the night cool my blushing cheeks. What I want to say, or should say is: “Thank you Mr Cosgrove, and good night.” and then close my balcony doors and go to sleep. Instead I let my hands stroke the cold stone railing and my eyes gaze up at the moon, not saying anything at all.

My body goes on full alert as Felix leans against the banister, not looking at the moon but at me. I do my best to appear unaware of this and make myself count the stars in the sky. One, two, three, four... I wonder what he sees when he looks at me? Five, six, seven... There is nothing special about me, I’m so ridiculously normal and boring. Eight, nine... nine. Where was I? Eight, nine, eight, seven, six… Never mind.

A slight breeze reminds me of having horribly messy hair and I wish I had on one of my everyday dresses, not this… this creation Mother forced upon me. Not a single pocket where to put the little things I find and certainly no ribbons to tie my hair. Pale moonlight strands dance in front of my face, letting the slight breeze do as it pleases with them. I force my hands to grip the railing. Let him think I'm unaffected by all this.

Below us the garden looks magical, the moon shines on the white statues and benches, sparkles in the water splashing from the fountain and plays hide and seek with the paths that run through our enormous property. In the dark places fireflies flicker, signaling each other to come and love them, and from all around comes the sound of crickets. The forest surrounding the house is pitch black, even in the bright moonlight, and from there we hear blackbirds competing on who sings the loudest and the most beautifully.

“I wish I could stay here forever. I’m in love.” The words slip from my lips before I know what I’m saying. Not looking at Felix, I still feel his amusement tingling all over my skin. “I... I mean... the night, I love the night. And the blackbirds. I love blackbirds. I love being out at night, with a full moon.”

“Oh I got that.” His voice carries his smile and the butterflies in my stomach decide to do back flips. “And I agree, nighttime is by far the best time for you.”

“What do you mean?” There is something in his voice making me turn and look at him. The moon shines on his face as he stares out into the night, all mirth gone. “Felix?” My hand reaches out and touches his arm, and it’s not until he looks at me I realise this is the second time I’ve touched him in any other way than shake his hand while Mother is watching. Whatever I was going to say dissolves into nothing as he continues to hold my gaze.

“Do you know, that’s the first time you’ve said my name.” There’s a trace of a smile in his eyes, but it disappears as he yet again looks out over the garden. “Why is that Clara?” At the sound of my name upon his lips I feel my knees weaken, but I can’t let myself fall into pieces just because he said my name. Even though the way he whispered it made my heart stop.

"It's not been proper. I guess." The lie sneaks past my lips and even though I pray he won’t question me, I know he’ll never accept it.

“Proper?” Scoffing at my choice of words he turns towards me, forcing me to look into those stormy grey eyes again. “As if you knew the meaning of the word.” As I open my mouth to retort he takes in my dishevelled hair and bare feet. Crossing my arms over my chest I try to retain some dignity, but fail as my lip pops out into a pout.

Theo always says I look like a petulant child when someone points out one of my flaws. I usually tell him I’m flawless, but I have a feeling Felix Cosgrove won’t shut up as easily as Theodore Thorneton. “I know for one that it isn’t proper to tell a lady that she isn't proper.” Ha! Let him think on that! I force myself not to move as he steps closer. Too close.

“Clara. Darling.” His hands cups my face, warming my already flushed cheeks. “You don’t have a lady like bone in your body.” Smiling warmly he sighs. “Thank heavens.” 

The kiss shouldn’t have come as a surprise, but I feel myself falling into bubbling hot lava and the only thing I can think of is to hold on tight to not burn to death. When his tongue slips into my mouth I lean my head back and let him have his way with me. Mother will soon tell me who I am to marry, but I can still choose to whom I give my heart. Although I can’t really give away something already taken, can I?