Today would be the first time she let them out of her sight for more than a day. Her now ex-husband had taken them on a week long trip up north, along with the younger and better looking woman he had left her for. She felt as if the only thing holding her together this last year was having the children in the house, putting them first and focusing on being the best mother she could be. Because who was she if they weren't around? The following eight days would most likely show her if there was anything of herself left, or if he had taken that away too.
Mechanically Sophie put the kettle on and as she put the last teabag in her favourite floral cup her phone chirped, telling her she had a new text. It was from her eldest daughter, Isabella: "I love you mum". 10 year old Isabella had at first refused to go with her father and "The Other Woman" as she called Linda, but after being told her father had a right to see her too and that it was only for a week, she had given in. Amanda really missed her daddy and at seven years old still had a difficulty understanding why it all had happened.
"I love you too" Holding back the tears seemed almost impossible, a single one splashed onto the screen before she was able to pull herself together. "No tears for that man, no tears."
Wiping away any evidence of her almost breakdown an email notification suddenly blinked at the top of the screen. The weekly newsletter from her favourite travel agency had in the past made her happy with its excellent daydream material. In the days before the divorce she had fantasised of how they would steal away to some romantic location and rekindle the flame that clearly had died somewhere during their 15 years together. Of course they never went, and after his revealing being in love with another, she had deleted the emails as soon as they had appeared in her inbox.
This week’s special! Four days in London: flight and a 4 star hotel included. Experience summer in the big city!
The words stood out from the rest of the newsletter, her finger hovering over the link that would take her to the travel agency’s website. The price wasn’t too high and four days would be perfect, she would be home before the children returned and at the same time not have to wander around the house like some pathetic ghost of years past. The kettle forgotten she got up and booted up her laptop and went on a search for her passport, which she was fairly sure of still being valid.
When she returned, passport in hand, and clicked on the link she saw that the trip wasn’t available for another month. “Aw, give me a break!” Slumping back in the kitchen chair she threw the passport onto the table before crossing her arms and frowning at her laptop. There had to be something she could do while the girls were away, someone she could hang out with to make the hole in her chest feel smaller than it was. Her eyes fell on the kettle and she went to make herself that cup of tea.
Standing by the window she went through her list of friends, unsurprisingly it was a lot shorter after the divorce than it had been last year, since many of the people they had socialised with really were Tom’s friends. Her colleague Susan lived by herself and was usually up for a good time, but she had gone to see her parents and wouldn’t be back for another week. Isabelle had moved miles away to live with the love of her life and Sophie couldn’t bring herself to pathetically beg her to come back to keep her company while the girls were away. Anne was busy with her newborn baby and Vanessa was away on holiday. That only left Kirstin, but she was better in small doses and Sophie suspected that a week of Kirstin would drain her of all the energy she had left.
But then she did have Judy, her online friend from Oxford who’d been begging her to come visit, and there were Max and James who both lived in London. They were both friendly enough, James had been flirty even, to make her think they wouldn’t mind meeting up. It was the going alone part that had her hesitating.
“Screw it!” Draining the last of her tea she went back to her laptop and booked flight and a hotel, tomorrow afternoon she would be in London.
The following morning she had woken up at 4 and found it impossible to stay in bed another minute. After showering and shaving her legs she put her best underwear on, the set she bought right after divorce but never found a reason to wear, the bright blue made it difficult to find a top that would hide the pop of colour closest to her skin. The devil on her shoulder whispered she was going on an adventure and damn her prudish streak! A white tank top, light grey capri pants and a flowy pale blue blouse later she stood barefoot looking at her collection of shoes. All airplanes were cold as ice and strappy sandals were most definitely not a good choice, she put them in her bag and stepped into her trusty trainers. Glancing over at the still open bag she decided it would have to do.
Sophie had never travelled without first making a neat list, checking each item twice as she packed her bags. There were always two bags, one she checked in and a smaller carry-on packed with the bare essentials in the unlucky event of the other bag going missing.
This trip was nothing like any other trips she had made. She only brought the small carry-on and one change of clothing, almost no makeup or styling products. That left her bag only half full and she had to keep fighting off the unease of not having enough stuff with her. “Oh come on Sophie! You have a credit card and London is bursting with shops waiting for you to go crazy in…”
Another very uncharacteristic thing was that she hadn’t bothered to look at the weather forecast before leaving, it might be a sunny and warm morning in June as she left her house, but a two hour flight to another country was a whole another story.
“Live the moment!” Muttering the slogan of a poster she’d seen on her way to the airport she shuffled along with the other travellers moving towards the gate.
Business men and women in cleancut suits, happy couples who couldn’t keep their hands and eyes off each other, young people talking loudly about what they’d do once they got to London and her, sunglasses on despite the fact that they were indoors. She was certain the panic she felt at this spontaneous trip showed in her eyes and she wanted to, needed to, seem cool and unaffected by the world.
Keeping her head held high and faking the posture of someone slightly bored with waiting she glanced around for a seat, but even though there were several empty chairs she didn’t move to sit. Feeling restless and exposed the tax free shop beckoned with it’s bright lights and colourful products. The smell of too many perfumes mixing with suntan lotion and makeup filled her nostrils, but it calmed her nerves and she steered herself towards the nearest shelf with neatly displayed eyeshadows, powders and lipsticks. Swatching colours had the time flying by and before she knew she heard a woman call out that the flight to London would soon begin boarding.
Wiping eyeshadows and lipsticks from her hands she moved to go stand by the gate, but the fire engine red lipstick she swatched last seemed to be calling to her. Before she could stop herself she was stuffing the small sealed bag into one of the outer pockets of her carry-on. It was as if the girls had taken her usually careful personality with them and left this devil may care woman in her place.
Putting the finishing touches on her makeup she looked at her own reflection thinking she didn’t look too bad. Straight blonde hair framed her slightly tanned face and her blue green eyes only needed a little mascara, because tonight she had gone crazy and put the bright red lipstick on for the first time. The green dress she bought in that cute vintage boutique fit really well, giving her an almost hourglass figure. Paired with the golden strappy sandals and the gold clutch she found in another shop the whole thing looked put together and swanky enough for most restaurants.
James hadn’t been very specific about what type of restaurant he was taking her to, but she wanted to look amazing. This was her first date since Tom had left her, she hadn’t found any reasons to “get back out on the market”, however much her friends had told her that she needed to leave her past behind. There had been too many pieces of her heart cutting her on the inside, bleeding her dry and the only thing that kept her together were the girls and their need of her.
Sophie hadn’t looked at herself as a woman in a very long time, mother yes and co-worker, but not as someone anyone would have any romantic interest in. Tom’s betrayal had broken her self esteem and having to keep herself together in front of the girls had made her not want to deal with any other issues.
During the last year she had had a little bit of flirting going on with James over social media, it had been lighthearted and fun and helped put a smile on her face. He’d always said that if she ever made it to London he would take her out and show her a good time. They had joked about it several times and she had promised to return the favour should he ever come visit her. In the pictures she’d seen of him he looked tall, dark and handsome, but you could never be sure if people showed their true self. She was actually a little nervous about it all, what if he didn’t like her. Or worse, what if she discovered that she didn’t like him!
She checked her phone, still half an hour before he was to pick her up at the hotel, there was still time for some liquid courage. The thought of sitting in a hotel bar, all done up and sipping on a cocktail was one of those things she always wanted to do. Tom hadn’t taken her on a getaway weekend since before the girls were born and he had thought hotel bars seedy, preferring swanky restaurants and expensive wine. Grabbing the white cardigan she brought from home she more or less skipped down the stairs to the lobby.
Her hotel had the cutest little bar and restaurant and the only people there were an old couple having dinner. She sat down by the bar and eyed the drink list, not having a clue of what the names meant.
“What will it be?” A young man in a white shirt smiled at her and she picked the first thing she saw, avoiding looking him in the eye.
“I’ll have… uhm… an Appletini, please.” The barman nodded and soon enough a bright green drink was placed before her, a slice of lime precariously hanging from the side.
“There you go.”
She mumbled a thank you and took a careful sip. It was lovely, like a liquid tart apple. Trying to make it last until James turned up she swung her bar stool around to watch the people passing by on the street outside. Most of them were dressed for a night on the town, bold colours and big jewelry but the occasional tourist wandered about among them, almost drab in their souvenir t-shirts and khaki shorts. Sophie kept looking for a man that resembled the pictures she’d seen of James, but no one stopped to enter the hotel lobby or even to wait outside the entrance. The clock at the end of the bar told her James was 15 minutes late, so she ordered another drink and watched the people go by.
As Sophie drained her second drink her phone chirped, it was a message from James telling her he wouldn’t be able to make it, unforeseen circumstances or something like it. She was disappointed, all that preparation for what? Two cocktails at the hotel bar and what she felt were condescending smiles from the old couple eating in the restaurant.
“Really James… very classy.” Sophie thought about how to answer him, but in the end she just erased his message. There were a couple of notifications, emails and tweets, and she scrolled through them to stall returning to her room. A tweet from Max caught her eye.
“How do you like London? Find anything good?” A smile spread across her face when she saw that he only sent it a few minutes ago.
“I love it! And I bought a lovely dress, but my date bailed on me… so I’m going to bed now.” He responded immediately.
“That won’t do! Your dress needs to have a good time now that you freed it from the shops!” Heart beating faster she hoped he meant what she thought he meant. Live the moment.
“Are you asking my dress to join you somewhere?” An age seemed to pass.
“Haha. I could, but no. I’m asking you to join me somewhere. But bring your dress, most places demand clothes.” Her smile threatened to split her face as she typed her response.
“Where, when and how do I get there?” Max answered her by sending her a DM asking where she stayed and if he could have her number. Not one minute later he texted her saying he was on his way and she chose to believe him, thinking it unlikely two men would stand her up in one night. At least she hoped she wasn’t as pathetic as that.
Sophie ordered a coffee instead of another Appletini, it would be no good if he found her passed out on the floor. Slowly sipping her coffee and nibbling on the small chocolate offered by the bartender helped her pass the time. She let her eyes follow the crowd outside, but this time the slightly nervous feeling she had felt before had receded and she instead felt content sitting there waiting for Max. When her phone chirped with a message from Max saying he’d be there in 5 minutes she decided she needed to freshen up a little.
The ladies room was tiny, but tastefully decorated with soft pastels and fresh flowers. After drying her hands on pink paper towels she checked herself in the mirror, brushing a little more powder on her T-zone and carefully applying more lipstick.
“It won’t get much better than this, Oscarsson.” Sophie had taken her maiden name after the divorce, she hadn’t gotten used to seeing, saying and writing it yet. These four days in London were a new beginning, Sophie Larsson was no more.
She hadn’t been sitting in the lobby for more than a minute when a good-looking man stepped through the revolving doors. His red hair was cut short, but with a few locks falling down over his forehead. A plain black t-shirt hugged his lean torso and the black jeans and shoes he wore made him look very stylish, but in an understated way. When he saw her his face lit up and he gave her the brightest smile anyone had given her in a very long time.
“Sophie!” Stepping into his arms was like the most natural thing in the world. His cologne was light and made her think of slow days at the beach, she let herself sniff him least she’d not forget this moment. “You’re looking absolutely lovely.” He held her at arm's length, the same bright smile on his face. A laugh slipped out of her and she felt lighter than she had done in ages.
“Thank you, you’re not too bad yourself.” His smile slipped into a grin and Sophie felt her stomach do a back flip. She liked the way he looked at her, the way his eyes glanced over her body and face. It made her feel attractive.
“You ready to head out?” She nodded and let him lead her out into early evening London.
Max amused her with stories from his work as an accountant at a big production company as they walked over to the place where they were to meet his friends. She had never dared to hope that he’d be as funny and kind in real life as he was online, but the 20 minute walk proved him even more funny and kind and she silently thanked James for letting her down tonight.
“We’re here.” Max gestured to what Sophie thought was a classic English pub, with large windows, dark paneling and a bar that looked like it had always been there. And full of people.
“The Dog and the Partridge.” She smiled at the wooden sign over the door showing a pointer with a bird on its back. Her smile stayed in place as she turned towards him, looking into those dark blue eyes and seeing… something, in their depths.
His smile faltered for a split second before coming back in full force as he led her in through the door, his hand at the small of her back, sending small tingles up her spine.
“Oi Max! Over here!” A tall black haired, bearded man waved at them from a table to the right. Max raised his hand in greeting and before she could fully prepare she stood in front of three people she’d never seen before.
“This is Sophie.” Max gestured at his friends and made the introductions. The black haired man was Gavin, his big hand engulfing hers in a tight grip. Next to him stood Rick, a dark haired man with hipster glasses and flushed cheeks. The woman with the blonde and purple dip dyed hair, Marissa, was fraction too late in her greeting smile but made up for it by kissing her on both cheeks.
She ended up next to Gavin as Max went to get them their drinks, she told him to surprise her, and found that very little was expected from her when it came to adding to the conversation. Gavin and Marissa both talked enough for five and soon she had a superficial knowledge of their lives. Max returned carrying two pints of pale golden ale.
“Sorry it took so long.” She offered him a reassuring smile and took a small sip, beer wasn’t really her thing but she wouldn’t let that spoil what had turned out to be a pleasant evening.
“So where’s he been hiding you?” Gavin grinned at her and took a swig of his beer. Sophie felt her face flush and glanced at Max who had a light pink tint to his cheeks.
“We’ve known each other about two years now I think. Isn’t that right Max?” He nodded and added.
“Sophie’s here on holiday.”
Rick perked up and spoke for the first time. “Oh, you’re the Twitter girlfriend!” Max choked on his beer and Sophie burst out laughing, making Rick’s cheek flush a darker red. “You’re not the Twitter girlfriend?”
“Well, I’m a friend and we met over at Twitter.” The Appletinis helped her handle this embarrassing moment. “And last I looked I’d say I qualify as a girl.”
“So you are the Twitter girlfriend then?” Rick looked from Sophie to Max, utterly confused. Max grimaced apologetically and shrugged his shoulders.
“Really. Does it matter what she is?” Marissa didn’t seem to find anything about it remotely funny and Gavin drained his glass, gesturing that they should get more to drink. Sophie shook her head, she wanted to be able to walk and she doubted she’d be able to drain her ale anyway.
Max had turned to her, his light scent tickled her nose and she couldn’t stop the shivers from running down her spine as his breath touched her skin. “I’m sorry about that, Rick’s a bit daft sometimes.” Her laugh had come out all breathless as she turned to face him.
“It’s alright, I prefer being mistaken for the girlfriend than the creepy stalker anyway.” He grinned and this time she knew she had seen something in his eyes, a spark reflecting what she felt. Their faces had been close together, she had only to have lean forward to place a kiss on his lips. It had seemed the right thing to do, but Gavin had returned with more beer and the moment had been lost.
Sophie kept nursing her beer, it had turned lukewarm and she knew she definitely didn’t favour the stuff. As the night moved on and the more the others drank Marissa seemed to warm up to her, she stopped giving her dirty looks and started talking about herself instead. Sophie figured out Marissa and Rick had a past, but somewhere along the line someone messed up, maybe both, and now they couldn’t move forward. There wasn’t anything to do but listen to Marissa’s side of the story and sometimes she glanced over at Rick to see if he was listening, but he seemed too busy drinking.
The bar became, if possible, even more crowded and Max moved closer to her, occasionally resting his hand on her lower back as people shoved their way past their table. It felt good to have him there, the warmth of his body so close but still not close enough. Every time she looked at him their eyes met and her stomach did back flips, making it harder to pretend drink her beer. So this was what is was like to feel desired.
Sophie found it harder to keep from yawning, it had been a long and eventful day. Marissa and Rick seemed to have made up for the night and Gavin had been busy with his phone the last hour or so.
“You ready to head back?” She started to shake her head when a big yawn broke through. Max smiled at her and she had to grab hold of the table to keep from jumping him right then and there.
“Lovely to meet you!” Gavin’s hug lifted her feet off the floor.
“We hope to see you again.” Marissa broke free from Rick long enough to kiss her cheeks and he lifted an unsteady hand and gave her a little wave.
“I’ll walk Sophie back. See you guys later.” The only one around the table caring about what anyone said was Gavin and he gave them both a wink as they left the pub.
He took her hand and the tingles running from their joint hands to her heart filled the void left by her girls. Not completely, but enough, and she wished she could tell him that. Max didn’t say a word during the walk back, but just as his stories had filled a purpose on their way to the pub, his silence was just right for this moment.
“Well, this is me.” Sophie stopped in front of the revolving doors of the hotel, not wanting to say goodbye. She sought out his gaze, wishing him to feel the same way.
Max let go of her hand, his eyes held a fire, the small spark she had seen before had exploded into passion. His hands tangled in her hair as he drew her mouth to his. Hot dry lips that tasted of salt and beer pressed against hers. Her arms slipped around him, pulling their bodies closer, letting him know that he could have everything he wanted. And she planned on taking everything she wanted from him. To be completely in the moment, if only for one night.
He lay facing her, his skin pale glowing in the late morning light. Sophie longed to let her fingers draw patterns on his shoulder, following the freckles scattered there. Last night had shown her she was worth loving, Tom might have broken her when he left, but the pieces that were left had grown a new whole.
A new Sophie, a Sophie who knew her worth and would never let herself be defined by anyone else again.
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