your gaze peels my skin off

I see you first. have a chance to prepare myself. hide my shame with another layer of lipstick. blink back the tears just in time.

“Hey! Isn't that him? HIM?!” I turn around, as if I don’t have a clue of who they mean, eye contact, but no smiles. sinking through the floor I order another drink.

unsolicited advice. “Find someone else tonight… Make sure you’re by yourself all night… Talk and laugh really loudly with as many people as possible… he won’t be able to take his eyes off of you!” I don’t want to be noticed by anyone. your gaze peels my skin off.

warm, crowded, freezing, noisy, too many people. buying the furies one last drink. the maenads scream of laughter. I can’t stop smiling, compulsive, plastic. knowing you’re seeing through it all, the night’s charades are for everyone else. never for you.

a thin new layer of skin, it’s been a few hours since I saw you last. aching feet. a run in my stockings, a heart as broken as when I chose my outfit this afternoon. waiting for the night bus. freezing, I’ll never be warm again.

there you are, by the red lights, the bus slows down to let a couple of cabs pass. slow motion, you look at me. you see through me, into me, naked bodies at dawn, unspoken but still broken promises. I've never been as naked as I was then, as I am now.

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I should have known better …

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