The scent of lilac mixes with the smell of the exhaust from the idle truck parked down the street. The wind pulls at my dress and I have to grab it to prevent it from flashing my panties. Marilyn Monroe would have been jealous. I was planning to be gone from here by now, but the real estate agent is late and now there’s a risk that you’ll get here before I have a chance to disappear.
Closing my eyes I kill off the butterflies in my stomach. I can’t let my emotions take over. They’re all just memories and memories will never make you happy.
I know. I’ve tried.
The sun's rays caress my cheek and your voice whispers memories. "Come to me babe." Your soft and warm skin against mine. "One more kiss." All my resistance, useless.
I know I'm lying to myself when I say I don’t want to see you again. Why else would I wear your favorite dress. With trembling hands I button the matching yellow cardigan and fiddle with the straps of my purse. Not that I need to straighten my clothes.
Nervous, even though you’re not here. I’m sure you have no idea I’m selling the house.
"We can pretend it's ours. You'll be the housewife and I’ll be the man coming home after a long day’s work." Your quiet chuckle made the cold house seem like a home.
"Shhh... they’ll hear you. Stay here and I'll get my bag from the kitchen." One of Bach's cello suites came floating down the stairs. It’s hard to imagine such beautiful music making me want to scream in frustration.
The sound of a car turning up on the street makes me straighten. My heart ends up in my throat when I see it’s silver. But it's not your car. It's not you. A sigh of relief escapes me, as my stomach knots itself in fear of never seeing you again.
Your dark hair, falling down over your eyes. Your eyes, a blue sea for me to drown in. But I have drowned in them for too long. There are only a limited number of times you can pull yourself out of the deep sea. Once more under the surface and I’ll join the dozens mermaids already captured.
I’ll never come back, not here. I’ll never return to this. The now empty house towers behind me, threatening to choke me with all the memories that come from just looking at it. The cold silence and the scratching of silver cutlery against expensive china. Champagne coloured silk and Chanel No. 5. Loveless cheek kisses.
So different from what you gave. I must have seemed so desperate in my need for affection. My green eyes, staring in awe at how anyone could offer other emotions than complete control. Today. They’re just tired, sad. Ready to see other places.
The silver car turns out to be the real estate agent. He gets out. The creases in his suit are razor sharp in the sunlight. A firm handshake and a signature later I leave him the house keys, along with the phone number he can reach me at in Paris.
It's over. I have to turn away when he steps through the door of the white villa. Knowing I never have to see that place again I take a deep cleansing breath. With my purse on the passenger seat of the little rental, I drive away towards the airport and life without you.
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