Never going home

They more or less kicked us out from the night club.

I really can't remember how we met tonight., why you and I ended up together when there were all those other girls fighting over you. Or did I choose you?

The whole night is a fuzzy strobe lit blur of too many people downing too many drinks. As they turned on the lights and the music off I was holding my best friend’s hand, when I had put my cardigan on I was holding yours.

Your grin was a wonky drunken version of the flawless smile I’ve come to know. I prefer your grin to your smile. Where had you come from? I had no memory of us even looking at each other in the club. I had seen you during the night, but why were you the one here right now?

My phone told me its battery was getting low, it was 2.30am a lukewarm night in July and I wasn’t ready to go home. My words had abandoned me, they drunkenly scrambled around my brain trying to find a way out, so I let you you my hand and offered you a wobbly smile.

The cobbled street outside the club was slowly emptying of danced out clubbers, girls removing stiletto heels and guys deciding on who’s paying for the taxi home. Your hand was warm in mine and without a word we turned our back on the others.

It was that time of night when the city is on its way to become really quiet, the cars picking up partygoers had done their job, the ones walking home were too tired to make a scene and eventually it was just the two of us walking without direction.

My bloodstream was slowly being emptied of the dizzying bubbles of alcohol that had made me giggle all through the night. The shimmering pixie dust coating the world stayed in my brain just by holding your hand. I longed to tell you how much I enjoyed your company, our walk, this extra time, but all I managed was quick glances and shy smiles.

You bought us coffees at an all-night café and the white plastic lid stole the last of my bright red lipstick. I don’t think coffee’s ever tasted this good before. The night had turned cool enough for me to be cold in my summer dress and cardigan, but the coffee warmed my stomach and you hand in mine warmed my heart.

Up small streets and down wide boulevards, following the canal and cutting through parks. We just kept on walking and didn’t really talk, except when you asked me if I was cold. But I’m good, perfect even. I no longer wonder why we’re here, I just go with the flow and let you lead the way.

As the sun starts rising I stifle a big yawn, there doesn’t seem to be enough alcohol or caffeine left in my body to keep this up for much longer.

We’re in the small park next to the cathedral when you suddenly stop and turn to face me. When you let go of my hand I feel the bubble of happiness that’s been surrounding us begin to tremble. You look into my eyes, no grin or smile to lighten the mood and I prepare myself for a long walk home, alone.

There’s a sadness to you that I haven’t seen before, almost as if you’ve been shining a light into my eyes preventing me from seeing the real you. You’re not looking for a reassuring smile or false pretenses. I don’t know what you’re looking for, but I’m going to let you search for it in my eyes, if that’s where you think you’ll find it. Claim it if you will, it’s yours anyway.

In your arms time stands still and your lips are leaving a burning trail from my collarbone to my jaw. You stop short of my mouth, leaning your forehead against mine, stealing every word that might have had the courage to form during the last minute or so.

This isn’t love, I’m not even sure it’s even a crush. It’s just this perfect moment in time that’s never going to repeat itself.

My hands cup your face, feeling and stroking the stubble on your cheeks. Warm skin, cool air. Brushing my lips ever so softly against yours I take a step back, breaking the bubble, setting you free, saving myself. I give you one last smile and it seems to stun you long enough for me to leave you there in the park.

When I check my Facebook the next day I see that your relationship status has changed from “single” to “it’s complicated”.